Hooray Modern Medicine!

My mom's out of the hospital tomorrow, and they probably figured out what's wrong with her! She just needs to keep taking some medication, and she won't have any more problems.

Don't tell Woolfolk, but I'm skipping class tomorrow.

I'm Going to Need a Pirate Patch

This post doesn't involve the title at all, I just feel bad leaving the title space empty. I'm just an old softie.

"It's like crazy music for crazy people. I imagine it sounds a lot like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah."

-Zack, describing the music when invisible Cylon girl #6 talks to Baltar

Inspiration!

Anyone seen this picture yet?



I'm going to write the worst fanfic evar.

France and French People

I tried calling Elizabeth, a charming young giant currently teaching in France. The call didn't go so well.

A transcript:

Ben: Hello?
Woman: [lots of french, maybe something about listening]
B: Bonjour?
W: {see above]
B: Parlez-vous Englais?
W: [more babble]
B: Non vite?
W: [more babble, same speed]
B: Nihongo-o hanashimaska?
W: [babble, but no fucking Japanese]
B: {hang up]

Them foreigners are weird.

Ennui

Shit, I'm bored. Why? Because I've secluded myself from the rest of humanity this weekend. I need to get into a trancelike state to write a paper due on Monday, and the easiest way to get there is lack of outside stimuli. So I've spent the morning in my apartment, waiting to become so bored that I write a paper just for something to do. It works, actually, because I can feel my brain circling Brightman's paper topic, looking for stuff to write about, reviewing the book, basically writing the paper in my mind before typing it up.

The problem: there's some kind of festival going on in Piedmont Park, and I can occasionally hear the drums from here. Shit. I should get me one of those "girlfriends", someone to drag me out of this mindset.

Applicants should have the strength of an ox and the speed of a cobra.

A Rebuttal

Like the noble hedgehog, Zack has emerged from his dark home, blindly stumbling into things and fucking with my man Aristotle. Zack's unhappy because a book written 2500 years ago is hard for him to read, and he's having some sort of trouble figuring out why Aristotle is better than him.

I'll make it simple.

Aristotle depicts an ideal society. He believes people can change themselves, becoming better than their base natures. Is this an unreasonable belief? When I was four, I couldn't do division. Now I can. Couldn't I improve my nature in the same way?

Your theory of humans as complex animals is fucking bullshit. While humans are animals, we have a few advantages over your average hyena, like a concept of past and future. I'm not saying we don't share the same traits as animals, but our ability to deny immediate pleasure for future benefit gives us a bit of a boost, as far as creating a virtuous society.

And that's why I'm not typing this sitting drunk in a pool of pudding, masturbating furiously.

Avast!

My mom's doing well, walking around, sleeping a lot, complaining about hospital food.

If you'd like to make me feel better, send pie. Or whores, I guess, though I have a feeling the whole situation just might be too awkward. Really, pie is your best bet. Lemon meringue is good, apple is best. I promise I'll smuggle at least a slice of pie to the invalid.




^ My favorite two results, GIS pie

Two other important things: Monday is talk like a pirate day. I may kill a flask of rum before Brightman's class. Can I borrow an eyepatch from someone? Also, I have an awesome white formal jacket thing. It's a size too small for me, and I feel like the Hulk whenever I stretch in it. First time the temp drops below 55, I'm fucking wearing it.

Rollercoaster Time

Shit. I knew I shouldn't have written about being happy a few days ago.

Mom's in the hospital, feverish, all kinds of sick.

She's normally pretty healthy, rides her bike to work every day, tall, generally full of vitality. She should be fine.

I'm feeling around in my brain, trying to identify fear, sadness, all that. Not sure if it's just the shock of being close to another person's mortality, but I can't really find any of that. I'm convinced she'll be ok, or at least not die.

We'll see.

Hey! Listen!

5 panic oblongs to the first person who identifies that quote.

A suggestion: get yourself a green pillow. Green is a more comfortable color than any other (except blue, and then only when I wear it). Green also helps you study.

I have no research to support these claims, but they're probably close to the truth.

You can thank me later.

I Stole This Story

From Lydia, not the sorority one, the drugs/alcohol free for a good reason one.

Act I

Lydia (black, half dreadlocked) and Stevie (baldish, short) are drinking with Chad (stripes, colors, whitey-ness). They had apparently drunken a great deal, as Lydia, the least drunk of the three, was having trouble standing up. Someone decides that Lydia and Stevie should play "Edward 40 hands". So Chad tapes Lydia's right hand to Stevie's left, with a 40oz bottle taped securely between them. Then, tragedy strikes! Chad realizes they don't have anymore booze!

Act II

Lydia, Stevie, and Chad are still drunk, but they've managed to get from their room to a car. Lydia is the least drunk, so she drives. Keep in mind, dear reader, that her right hand is still taped to Stevie's left.

The three manage to get to the gas station alright, but they pull in without noticing the cop parked out front. When they finally notice the car, Stevie and Lydia stumble as fast as they can to the restroom, beer still taped between their hands.

Act III

Frantic attempt to remove tape ensues. Beer is ditched. Booze is acquired. Everyone gets away safely.

Hate to Do This

That's right, another lazy post. Just a link to a boingboing article.

Read This.

The beginning of the end? By "the end" I don't refer to the end of the world, but an end to our American superpower. Traditionally, empires begin to crumble after overextending themselves (ex. Rome, China, Portugal, Spain, England, Germany). It's not just military overextension, but often more of a too many balls in the air kind of thing. This was the case with Portugal, Spain, and England - too many colonies, too many concerns around the world.

The administration seems to believe that these old rules no longer apply. They may be right. Our ability to communicate and coordinate have been vastly improved in the last half of the 20th century, but these improvements are still limited by human intelligence. If a person makes a stupid decision, does it matter how efficiently the stupidity is passed down the line?

Oooogh. I guess that was a long post.

Don't Say It...

Things seem to be looking up. Actually, the previous statement is false. The statement "things are looking up" implies that things were looking "down" previously, and I can't remember being "down" at all over the last few weeks.

Perhaps a better way to express my feelings: the weather is great, my schoolwork is interesting, none of my friends are dead, my apartment is cozy, and I have a new pillow. How's that work for you?

I think part of the reason I'm feeling so good is that I've been riding my bike to school for the last week. It doubles the length of my commute (from 20 to 45 minutes), but the rush I get riding full on into the wind more than makes up for waking 30 minutes earlier.

Is that the secret?

Can't say I'm worried about my future, can't really remember enough of my mistakes to worry about them, free from emotional entanglement... I get in a mood like this every few months, and my only concern now is enjoying the ride.

PS - An interesting post: from a waiter. And a quick note to Zack: You'd probably feel better after spending the night on the Hyatt.

Warning

Looking over my posts for the last week or so, I realize that I basically write like a schizophrenic. Is that what it sounds like when I try to convince Zack to do random stuff?


Perhaps I intentionally make myself confusing as a means of keeping people from getting too close/understanding me/hide the low opinion I have of my thoughts.

Of course, the above could also be pointless psycho-babble. Maybe everyone thinks like I do, they just organize their thoughts before saying or writing them.

Eh... more stuff... added a link to B's blog on right, I like abandoned rollercoasters, my back hurts a bit, still need to put away my laundry. I'll let you know how everything turns out.

What!

That's right, bitches. I can beat up your cat. Take a mental snapshot of that picture.

That's what I'm gonna do to your cat if you fuck with my shit. Remember it, kiddies. I will personally go to your house, lure your cat to me with tuna fish, and abuse it so bad that the SPCA will change it's name to SPB. What does SPB mean?

Society For the Prevention of Ben

Because that's how badass I am.

My Backpack's Got Jets

I changed something, I think. Now, even if you don't have an account on blogspot, you can still comment on my posts.

Hooray!

In more geekish news, I just finished watching the end of Dr Who season 1. [Zack! Play this game!] Probably some of the finest sci-fi that I've seen in the last two years (haven't seen that one Britenaney's talking about).

Watch it.

Exterminate!

Lazy Post

A recent email I sent regarding spending a night on top of the Hyatt:

Well... I suppose we could debate the roof issue a bit, but I'm pretty set in stone about it. Really, you have a responsibility to come along just to keep me out of danger. I've put alot of thought into it. I figure if I/we wear semi-formal clothes and carry reasonably nice suitcases, we will raise no suspicion on our way to the roof top. Once there, I will remove from the luggage a pair of air pads (for sleeping on), two sleeping bags (for sleeping in), two travel size pillows (to protect the brain-pan), and various foods, possibly including an avocado. My plan is foolproof.

PS - Bring running shoes, we may have to evade security on our way out.

Think of this as an open invitation. Wouldn't it be awesome to spend some Saturday night up there, telling ghost stories and evading the po-po? Maybe get a whole group or something. I've got a tent that can fit six people...

What I Learned at Dragon Con, pt 1

Don't give anyone under 15 any sort of stimulant. They have enough already.

Take any elevator.

Nurses have the best booze.

When some guy says he's a sword trainer, there's only a 50% chance that he's lying.

The roof is awesome.

What was that Hobbes quote?

In The Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes writes that the human condition is "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short". I've been reading more about the whole New Orleans/Katrina thing, and I'm beginning to agree with him. As reported by the Times-Picayune, New Orleans' largest newspaper, New Orleans police are abandoning their stations, looters are firing on rescue coppers, and the situation is being compared to the looting which took place as the US military occupied Baghdad.

I just wish we could escape from the panic and brutality stage of response to this natural disaster.

In the meantime, you could donate money here. It's a paypal friendly site, and the operator seems to be making sure the money goes to the right place. I figure if everyone reading the blog donates a dollar, that's at least $5, right?

Cussword

About the "Love Doctor" post - I won't be getting back to that subject for another 2-4 days. Let me know if I forget about it.

Oh, and a cool pic, linked from Warren Ellis's mailing list:



Warren Ellis actually linked this pic from this livejournal site. I guess this means livejournal's good for something.

In Other News

Blah blah blah... Hurricane Katrina... blah... Oil war...

It seems that's all I'm hearing these days from Zack. Just because the fat fuck posted about it on his useless blog, I have to hear him talking about it all day. Fuck. I'm as torn up as anyone - hell, I spent two hours watching the same five video clips recycle on CNN last night, and I'm still pretty devastated (at least as much as a cynical, emotionally stunted sophomore can be).

But what about the possibilities? Think of it - the United States lost an estimated 5% of its gross domestic product due to the hurricane and continuing cleanup efforts. That's enough to send most nations spiraling into a depression. And depressions lead to lawlessness, lawlessness leads to armed bands raiding the Midwest, which leads to fuel tankers protected by armed guards - All of which makes gas extremely valuable. Valuable enough to hire ninja to steal it for you.

Therefore, I'd like to offer my services as a Gas Ninja. I can get you a full tank for 20 bucks, but you have to supply the throwing stars and black pajamas.

A Quick Note from the Love Doctor

So, I was walking home after class today, thinking about the fairer sex. The ratio of men to women at my college is something like 60/40. If my school has a population of 1200 students, 720 of those are female. I developed a quick equation based on my rugged good looks (r) plus biting wit (b) multiplied by the freshman girl factor (x) divided by the number of women folk on campus (720). For the mathematical among you, the equation works out like this:

[(r+b)x]/720 = percent chance of random sex

Now, assuming my physical traits are about 7.6 out of 10, and my mental traits work out to about 8.7 out of 10, the only unknown in this equation is the freshman girl factor. Those of you who have not yet had a chance to take a women's studies class may be unfamiliar with the freshman girl factor (aka: x factor). The x factor is a basic measurement of how likely a college freshman girl is to sleep with the first older student she sees at campus. Obviously x is an important factor in my equation. I'm going to keep the number I used for the x factor secret in case any freshmen girls are reading this, and just skip right to the results of the equation:

[(r+b)^x]/720 = 16%

That's right! On any given day, there's a 16 percent chance that some random girl will drag me into an empty classroom for sex!

This leads to an important question. Feel free to read the next sentence aloud:

You: "Ben. Why haven't you been molested by hoards of women? I know the percent chance of random sex must be much higher, because you probably knocked at least a point off your physical and mental scores, so what's wrong?"

That's a good question, and I'll be answering it in my next post.



[note: all math in this post is completely wrong]