Sunday, April 30, 2006

"LOL"

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.
You're totally weird and very proud of it.
Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.

Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick


Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.
Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!
You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.
You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.


You Belong in Barcelona

When it comes to Europe, you don't want to decide between culture and fun. You want art by day and a big party by night.
Barcelona is ideal for you. You can check out some Picasso, eat some tapas, take a siesta, and then dance all night!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Psilocybin

This was inspired by a lot of stuff I've been reading about mushrooms, and an honors presentation I heard on Friday. Does it work? Is the story pointlessly hard to follow? Hopefully I'll be adding more, bringing the whole thing back to the inward path stuff referenced in the story's first sentence. Also, if you've actually used mushrooms, advice and anecdotes would be appreciated.

It's been said that Communism is the most painful path between Capitalism and Capitalism, Jake thought, as his stomach stepped inward and the mushrooms took hold. He'd heard it in an economics class, a history class - different professors, same joke. That's how it was though, everything was the same, really, when you got right down to it. I mean, you could tell, just by looking at the brick walls around us. All the same color, all worn by years, only about three feet high, this little corner of the park I mean, but all the same a part of this world. And the drugs just made you more of a part. Not made you. Helped you regain that part, thought Jake, as I watched him begin to trip.

I was sitting on the bird crap white icinged wall, back humming against a dim park light. I hummed, too. It was the mushrooms that did it, the mushrooms we - I - had taken yesterday and today. I didn't remember if Jake had eaten one last morning, looked at him, and he answered

"You bastard."

Jake's father cursed, so Jake cursed. Jake knew it and sometimes hated it but now he thought the affection so appropriate. You could see the questioning look in the bastard's eye, the little lip thing (smirk - I remember that from yesterday), he always analyzed and even when he tripped he couldn't just let go, let himself fall. This ground is so cold. I feel as if I'm coming apart. I wish I could push myself through, make it happen faster if only the bastard could help.

"Hey. Get down here. Like this." Jake was the same, talked the same, drunk or tripping. He would try to describe the changes later, but we only really saw them in the sketches he made sometimes. I slid down onto my heels, brick scraping against me as the old t-shirt was pushed high onto my shoulders past empty spots were wings could have grown, and I could feel a scattering of rough particles tickle against my back, moving closer, pulling the shirt down.

Maybe it's the ground that does it - start the trip. I drew my hand across my stomach, fast, I think, skin pulled taught by the first kick of psilocybin and psilocin. Words that connect me with Jake, make me say "Can you feel that? Like I'm a fucking drum... I can still feel the humming". He feels it but doesn't give me the satisfaction of nodding.

Jake let his hand trace half remembered patterns from piano lessons taken in his teens. The drumming... the drumming... drums... earth and plates.

"Did you remember that redneck kid who was always talking about geology and shit?" Jake felt his voice leave, looked at me, saw the fragments golden in dim lantern glow.

"This grass feels like it's growing through me." And, it did, really. I wondered what it would be like to be pick pocketed terrarium grown into, become a terrarium or something, a person shaped garden.

Jake didn't wonder, he was busy with his own trip, doing his own time.

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Tick is Crawling on My Moniter

I keep scrolling down to that painting. It's really cool. I can't believe it's taken this long for me to see it. I'm trying to give the visual arts a bit of a chance, 'cuz I'll be taking Art and Culture next year. Maybe visit some museums or something over the summer.

I'm really not looking forward to it so much.

-

It seems strange, but my basic goal before school ends: establish some sort of contact with friends who are actually staying in the Atlanta area. Find people willing to watch Summer blockbusters with me, wander in parks, hiking, shit like that.

I figure, in the average week, I need at least two days of human interaction to stay sane. Work doesn't count. Customers aren't people.

-

If you need a job or something, this boyscout camp I'll be working for is looking for more people, especially anyone 21+.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

From The Libertines song, title which I forget:

Why did we have to meet
On the night I lost my head?

...

You found me indiscreet
On the night I lost my head.


Lyrics seemed apt. Differences, of course, being that neither I (nor, I suspect, the narrator of the song) had lost our head that night.

These things are unfortunate, but human, eh?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Ben's Zen Guide to Wooing Womenfolk

1) Choose object of affection.

2) Agonize for hours over how to make your feelings known, make good impression.

3) Go on a date, or not.

4) Realize that your efforts have almost zero effect on the girl's eventual feelings for you. In fact, the girl has probably made most of her decisions before you've even really begun strategizing.

5) Take a nap. Love is tiring, ne?

6) Achieve your goal, or not. These things matter to the outward searching mind. The Zen mind realizes that your struggles are as the movements of a fly in syrup. Your fate has been decided, the only choice you have is how you prepare to meet that fate.

calmness comes after a storm in one's mind.
the stronger the storm is , the more calm the mind is.
transition of super micro view to super macro view.
after this transition, the terrible storm look as if a drop of water.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Stuff I Want to Read:

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Like... so Emo...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Sleeping

Zack, read this.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

My fucking foot is broken.

Friday, April 14, 2006

A hand overflowing with slender fingers, punching through the still hard Spring earth. Veins pull outward at the thing's base, still half connected to the ground beneath, silently tearing moisture from secret sunken pools. The air carries the acrid scent of earthy pollution as blossoms belch...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Hills

Not sure if I need those last few lines. About the creek and shit. Dunno. Apologies if we end up reading this in class, it seems like one of those things Taylor might like.

I'm not sure what that says about the quality of my writing.

-

We had all gone barefoot to cross the creek. Not because we needed to. We did it because it takes time to kick boots off, time to cross the creek, and more time to let numb feet dry, fill water bottles; gather ourselves and move.

"Fu – uk." Jeremiah sighed, his voice weighed down by Southern heritage and 2 hours of uphill stumble. He was still hung over from last night. Sweat seemed to leak from the man, a strange mixture of salt, water, and Wild Turkey. Ancient canyons carved through the grime of our past two nights in the woods. He was a thousand year old portrait, an elemental Dorian Gray.

I remember how he looked, before and after the fire. We had been gathering fallen twigs and branches as night fell, hoping to build a wood stack which would last us through our dinner and breakfast fire. We hadn’t picked the best place to scavenge for firewood. We were in a dip between two mountains, the intersection of the Appalachian trail and a unnamed trail leading to Vogel State Park. A fire must have burned through this wide crevasse years ago; trees were rare and stunted, our campsite was surrounded by a wide ring of chest high bushes and saw-toothed high grass.

Jeremiah made do with the few measly armfuls of wood my brother and I scavenged, built a “lean-to” style fire. Piles of twigs and scraps huddled against the only large branch we found, medium sized wood stretched over the fast burning tinder, still damp from the mountain air and leaning against the largest branch. I looked away when he finally set match to that Boy Scout-perfect pile. Jeremiah spent that night leaning into the fire, absorbing thick smoke, blowing clean oxygenated air against the coals. He had become half coal himself by morning. His thick hands left a smoky black signature against the empty bottle he still held.

Now, he stared at us through a mask which melted and cracked as sweat crept from his bandana.

“Too fucking right.” I agreed with him. That’s what you did, when half your brain was still floating in the bottle 3 miles behind you, and the other half had deserted you through weeping pores, vampire bugs, and the steady tromp of miles beneath your feet. “2500 feet in a mile, right?” Spoken from over my shoulder. I was busy unlacing boots and watching cool water stream past. We still carried a gallon of water between us, not enough for the day of hiking we had left.

My brother Adam was too busy eating to venture an answer. Jeremiah didn’t care.

“Pass me some of them Granola bars.” This was Jeremiah speaking to Adam.

“Fuck you. Get your own goddamn Granola.” Adam was mumbling through half a bar, spraying crumbs onto the creek below. They floated away quickly, carried on invisible water-tense vessels. Jeremiah had spoken of Viking burials at sea last night, watching us through pillars of fire.

The man shrugged slowly. He had burnt the last of his bars hours ago, illustrating some point about the truth of Indian burials, something about deep earth geology.

Jeremiah still stood as my brother and I dipped our feet in the water. I wondered if he was gathering strength to crouch, or perhaps to rummage in his pack for food.
The spring water was too cold to feel, carrying curiosity away, submerging past in the clear cave-born now. I felt it as a reflection of last night, a natural mirror of Jeremiah’s motion, remembered again as he absorbed the night around him, breathing flame into that past and future devouring fire.

“Fu – uk.” I slipped into the creek, the flame, the now. If I could, I might wonder if Jeremiah and Adam felt me join them.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Ye Olde Barter Economy



I have a lot of useless shit lying around. I don't want to sell it on ebay. I want to give it to strangers, in exchange for food or services. Wouldn't it be cool if I could trade a few books for a funnel cake?

-

Something which needs to be a few paragraphs longer:

We had all gone barefoot to cross the creek. Not because we needed to. We did it because it takes time to kick boots off, time to cross the creek, and more time to let numb feet dry, fill waterbottles, and get moving. And, of course, we had to set down our packs before we even thought of moving.

"Fu - uk" Jeremiah sighed, his voice weighed down by Southern heritage and 3 hours of uphill stumble. He was still hungover from last night. Sweat seemed to leak from the man, a strange mixture of salt, water, and Wild Turkey sprang from every pore.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

So, when I hear the word "hobosexual", I think of a person who sleeps with people to avoid homelessness. This bears certain similarities to my current situation, so I use the term for myself.

Then, I google'd the term.

1 : of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward hobos, or the homeless population in general

2 : of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between hobos or between a hobo and a non-hobo

3 : stylistically similar to, or imitative of, hobos


Plus, the first result was from hobosexual.com, which is actually a serious hobo porn site. (But why no female hobo's? Hobette? Hobelle?)

Anyway, I like my definition more.

Getting Old

My grandma keeps feeding me. Maybe all this food will make me taller.

I noticed her fingers as she watched me eat. On old people (especially old women) fingers get thinner, and wedding rings start to hang and swing easily. On grandma, the ring lay sort of diagonal along her finger. The ring was very new, she was very old.

Also, my grandpa's vericose veins don't really stand out too much. It's like his arm has become harder in old age, covered with wiry hair, the occasional scar or fresh cut, and what look like actual calluses.

Has he been around long enough to get calluses everywhere?

Anyway, I should remember this, for the next time I describe old people.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Son of a Bitch

That blink-blur again. Always when I'm looking at that one particular spot. I had been wearing glasses this time too, but my eyes still did the same thing. Like looking at dead space, or trying to watch your car's blind spot while changing the radio. My eyes just seem to lose focus, then blur with tears, and I'm forced to look away. I'll try again tomorrow, in the morning. Maybe I won't be so tired then.

I got an early start, brought my notebook, too. The park still had that same feeling of real, constant growth, same as when I started walking to school last year. It rained earlier that morning, before I woke, and the sidewalk was flooded with a soup of loam, woodchips, and cut grass. The sidewalk leading into the park was almost buried by the park soup, the mostly clean middle ground woven like a concrete trail, up the hill and towards that spot.

Apologies, Dear Readers

I really meant to post that thing I was writing, but it isn't close to finished. I'm probably going to be writing it between Core and Creative Writing, along with half of the class.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

SEPARATED AT BIRTH!


Stealin'

Your Thoughts for Thursday


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Data is Cool.

My eyes burn like herpes and I watched the Goonies for the first time last night. Emo style bitching on livejournal page. Herschler may not be teaching Nietzsche and I'm not sure whether to be disappointed.

I'm getting bored with things. I think it may be time for some sort of change. Things I'm considering: a job, shaving off Mohawk, meeting new peoples, reading cool new stuff.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Double

Professor Taylor keeps hinting that I should be writing poems instead of prose. This infuriates me.

If I wanted to be writing poems, I would be writing poems. Even though my writing style reminds you of poetry, it is actually prose. Surprise.

I see poetry as a style of writing used by assholes who need to justify a lack of content and clarity in their writing. Also, write with one hand, because I assume writing poetry is impossible if you're not also masturbating.

Why's there even a distinction between poetry and prose?

Definition of poetry, stolen from wikipedia: Poetry is traditionally a written art form in which human language is used for its aesthetic qualities in addition to, or instead of, its notional and semantic content.

Definition of prose, stolen from wikipedia: Prose is writing distinguished from poetry by its greater variety of rhythm and its closer resemblance to the patterns of everyday speech. The word prose comes from the Latin prosa, meaning straightforward. This describes the type of writing that prose embodies, unadorned with obvious stylistic devices.

To my mind, it's impossible to divorce the aesthetic use of language from any attempt to deliver content to a reader.

Rain

Strange day today. Heavy rain in the morning, but birds were still singing. I wonder if they were hiding under the eves of my apartment.

The bastards sound close enough.

Fuck. No class until 1:30. I will watch movies.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

SWAT



Protesting

I went to a march against the war in Iraq today. It was about what I expected.

It's hard to feel good about a cause when the people supporting it are so stupid. It almost seemed as if the purpose of the march was to convince the people who marched that their cause was just. The conversation between marchers was mainly outraged talk of the latest stupid shit Bush has done (nixing the $1 AID pill, icbm shield, war, abortions in one of the Dakota's, logging acts). It was almost like they were trying to top each other with administration horror stories, reminding me a bit of bitter student talk at Oglethorpe. I wonder if they thought that telling these well known stories helped their cause in some way.

A reporter asked me what I was doing, and I could only reply, "taking a walk". Because I'm damn sure the march won't change anything, but I do enjoy a good walk on a nice day.

I read about thirty pages of Dostoevsky's "The Gambler", which is excellent. The narrator is terribly cynical, and desperately in love with a woman. I'm enjoying it so far.